I'm Broken And I Don't Want To Be Fixed!

[B] Three Years Of Saturdays [/B]

[I]Everything happened on a Saturday.[/I]

On a Saturday after the end of the world Buffy got scared and pushed Faith away, throwing all the past mistakes back in the brunette’s face, mistakes Faith had made up for, mistakes she was sorry for, mistakes that were mistakes in every way possible, Faith took it all with a hurt look on her face and never said anything back that would hurt Buffy, never pointed out the things Buffy herself had done in the past that everyone managed to look over. Faith just took the insults and when Buffy was finished yelling Faith left. Buffy told herself they fought because Faith had screwed up again but Faith hadn’t and Buffy knew it. In all honesty the fight wasn’t even about Faith; it was about Buffy and what she felt when she looked at Faith. She didn’t want to deal with it and after the fight she didn’t have to. Sunday morning Faith was gone. The next Saturday Faith was still gone and Buffy didn’t have to deal with what she felt when she looked at the other woman, instead she had to deal with what she felt when she couldn’t. That was worse. It was Saturday again when Buffy realised Faith wasn’t coming home, that same Saturday Buffy realised she wanted her to.

It happened by accident, Buffy ran into Faith on a Saturday night in June, a gallery opening in downtown LA, only the woman she saw across the room and ran after wasn’t Faith, she looked like Faith, exactly the same, she was a carbon copy, Faith’s twin or clone, [I]‘i’m sorry do i know you?’[/I] the woman asked, [I]‘you look just like,’[/I] Buffy trailed off and the woman starred at her warily, [I]‘i’m sorry, i thought you were someone else’[/I] Buffy said quick to retreat home and brush it off as madness or coincidence. Buffy tried to forget the girl that looked like Faith but knew nothing about her. But she couldn’t, she found herself dreaming about Faith and all the places she could be, all the things she could be doing, all the completely un-Buffy people she was with.

Angel let it slip one day that he had helped Faith start over somewhere new with a new name and life and of all the stories Buffy had come up with about what happened to Faith going by Caroline Farrell and studying at university had never crossed her mind. Monday afternoon Buffy went looking for Caroline, Saturday morning she found Echo instead. Then she found out about the Dollhouse and what they could do.

Echo was Caroline, Caroline was Faith and Faith was Echo. Buffy was confused but things soon cleared themselves up when Adele explained that Echo could be made into anyone or anything someone wanted as long as they paid the right price. And one Saturday in August Buffy did.

It was meant to be a onetime thing but every second Saturday Buffy buys Faith’s soul back and every Sunday morning Buffy wishes she didn’t have to give her back.

The first few Saturdays it’s awkward, Buffy doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know what she wants, doesn’t know why she keeps coming back but she does anyway. Buffy had a fight with Dawn on Friday when the Dollhouse ring her and ask her the usual questions about the upcoming engagement she has with ‘Echo’ and she wants someone to fight with so she wants the old Faith, rebellious, angry, Buffy wants the fighting Faith and that’s what she gets on Saturday. They yell and scream, punch and kick, blow for blow they match each other, just like before, they bleed and bruise, break and heal, the block hits, take punches, fall to the floor and slam against walls, they’re angry and they don’t hold back, by the end of it both Buffy & Faith are left exhausted, in pain and angry, Sunday morning, Faith’s gone and Buffy’s body aches, she’s left hollow and cold because that’s not how she wants to spend her last day with Faith.

Some Saturdays Buffy and Faith spend the whole 24 hours talking, like they never used to, halfway through Saturday night Buffy realises she never actually had a proper conversation with Faith before, that makes her sad but Faith makes her laugh. Faith and Buffy talk about anything and everything, Buffy finds out all about Faith’s past and realises why it was a secret and in turn she tells Faith about her fear that she’s not strong enough to raise Dawn right, but when the black van drives off with Faith Buffy wonders if anything they said over the past 24 hours was true or if it was all a product of the Dollhouse and it’s then she realises that talking to a fake Faith about real things only makes her more desperate to have the real Faith back.

Buffy took Dawn to the airport to say goodbye before Dawn went off to Europe for the summer and she saw two women, obviously friends who hadn’t seen each other in a long time reunite, there was hugging, gushing, and laughing and Buffy was jealous, she wondered if she could ever have that, and then she does, with Faith. They are best friends and they haven’t seen each other for a long time, which is true, because Buffy has been travelling or Faith has moved away, which isn’t, but it doesn’t matter the reason they were gone, they’re reunited on a Saturday and they spend the day drinking, talking, catching up, dancing and laughing and on Sunday they promise to make more time for each other, Faith says she’ll come home for Christmas and Buffy promises to visit for Faith’s birthday, neither event will happen but to say it and hear it makes Buffy smile. But then they come and take Echo for a treatment and Buffy realises she was never like that with Faith.

On one of her free weekends, the one in between her Saturday’s with Faith, Buffy drops Dawn off to a party and Buffy finds herself jealous of her sister and her sister’s friends, she never got that carefree teenage lifestyle and neither did Faith. Next Saturday Buffy fixes it so time has stopped and rewound, she and Faith are 17 and regular teenagers, they’ve got a curfew they break and fake ID’s identifying them as [I]‘Anastasia Hotchenburger’[/I] and [I]‘Kiki Donnahue-Walters’[/I], that get them into a seedy, hole-in-the-wall bar where they order shot after shot after shot and dance the night away with guys they won’t remember in the morning for very different reasons. Sunday morning Buffy leaves the room when people come to take Faith, she can’t bear to watch.

Two weeks later Buffy gets 17 year old Faith back and there are no vampires, no slayers, no good no evil, no magic or Scoobies or Mayors or parents, there’s just Buffy and Faith. They drive around town and listen to the hottest ‘music’ on the radio, they chew gum until their jaws hurt and go shopping, buying tight, skimpy, too short outfits that look shocking on teenagers let alone 28 year old women, they charge everything to Buffy’s credit card not caring about the cost, they go to the movies and gossip about the cute boy behind the counter, they giggle like the school girls Faith thinks they are, Faith complains about school, assignments and homework and Buffy pretends it’s all true until Sunday morning when she wakes up 28 and alone.

The next two Saturdays Buffy gets regular Faith back, friend & slayer, before the end of the world, before the Mayor, before Allan Finch, it’s senior year and they’re out on patrol, a few staked vamps later and they finish their watch treating themselves to ice-cream sundaes, people come and take Faith away and Buffy realises she misses slaying, she hasn’t done much of it since the Hellmouth. The week in between her ‘Faith Saturdays’ Buffy searches for the vampire hot spots around town so she can be ready for her next Saturday night with Faith. They spend the morning sparring and practicing before heading out for patrol and ridding LA of a couple more vamps, they’re both high and happy afterwards, they spend the night gossiping and talking about everyone, random students from school, teachers, Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya, Spike, Cordelia, Angel, Dawn and everyone else Buffy realises she hasn’t seen them in nearly a year but to Faith they were all together yesterday, when Faith leaves Buffy calls them up and arranges to see them the Saturday between her time with Faith.

Buffy realises that her 29th birthday is coming up in a month and she starts to worry she’s becoming old, Dawn is busy with her own life and Buffy really doesn’t want to be the older sister who tags along to parties with Dawn anyway, so she plans to be 17 again with Faith, Buffy’s intent on going out and bar hopping, partying until the sun rises but then Saturday comes and Faith believes she’s 17 and Buffy tries to keep the game going but she knows she’s 28, and she realises she doesn’t want to be out partying until the sun comes up, she doesn’t want to share Faith with the rest of the world tonight but doesn’t want to admit what that means, Faith asks her what’s wrong and thinking quickly Buffy tells Faith she’s grounded and they both bitch and moan and spend the night drinking cheap alcohol in Buffy’s living room, it’s peach schnapps and they end up throwing up and swearing never to drink it again, they have a typical girlie sleepover but in the morning Buffy doesn’t feel young at all as her body aches and her head throbs, she looks around the now empty living room, Buffy thinks she’s going to be sick and it’s not just because of her hangover.

One Saturday Buffy kisses Faith on impulse and they end up in bed together, they stay that way all day, Buffy finally gets the courage to tell Faith she’s in love with her, she pauses before she says it, takes a deep breath and it comes out in a rush, [I]‘i love you Faith’[/I], Faith blinks twice and opens her mouth, closes it, blinks again and repeats [I]‘i love you’[/I] back to Buffy, Buffy ignores the glitch and kisses Faith again. The next morning Buffy wakes up alone and can’t escape the memory of last night, was it really a glitch or was it how Faith would really react? Suddenly Buffy’s aware that if she’s alone it means they came and got Echo, they saw the two of them naked in bed together, Buffy puts her head in her hands and blushes, she doesn’t show up the next two Saturdays.

The Thursday before the third Saturday, almost six weeks since the incident, she gets a call from Adele Dewitt telling her that she still paid for those two Saturdays and Buffy decides if she’s going to keep paying she may as well get her money’s worth, so she turns up on Saturday and tells herself the looks people are giving her are all in her head, and they probably are. She talks to Adele and Topher and then pretends that Saturday didn’t happen and gets Faith imprinted as her best friend. [I]‘I missed you’[/I] Faith tells her even though it wasn’t a part of her programming.

The next few times Buffy gets Faith imprinted it’s as a friend, enemy, sister slayer, 17, or even someone she just met, not once does she get Faith imprinted to remember ‘the incident’ in fact she does her best to avoid it but Buffy can’t help thinking Faith remembers anyway. It’s little things, looks, touches, comments, Buffy tells herself she’s being paranoid but they’ve never been the kind of friends who kiss on the cheek hello and goodbye. Each time it seems like Faith’s lips move closer to her lips until one Sunday Faith presses her lips to Buffy’s and pulls away smiling [I]‘see ya after my treatment right B?’[/I]

[I]‘There are fears’[/I] Adele begins [I]‘about continuing your regular engagement with Echo, we feel it’s harmful to her’[/I]. It’s the first Sunday of November and Adele has called Buffy into her office, Buffy tries to argue her case but Adele won’t hear of it and informs Buffy that her next three schedualed engagements with Echo will be her last. Buffy tries everything to convince them they’re wrong but it’s no use, Adele tells her that she’ll welcome to look at the other dolls in the house, Buffy tells her angrily that she doesn’t want a doll, she only wants Faith and Adele informs her calmly that Faith doesn’t exist in the Dollhouse and asks Buffy to consider why she has to pay to bring Faith back into her life and reminds her Faith became Caroline for a reason.

The last of the Saturdays has arrived and Buffy tries not to think about what will happen tomorrow morning and she’s so wrapped up in her thoughts she doesn’t even realise Faith is concerned about her, [I]‘what’s wrong?’[/I] Faith asks and Buffy snaps at her [I]‘nothing, what do you care anyway?’[/I] which starts their fight, they haven’t fought like this in a long time, they’ve yelled and they’ve sparred together but this, this is like before, it’s a real fight, the way they used to. Buffy blocks Faith’s punch and sends one of her own which connects, Faith’s head snaps back and it’s then Buffy can see the anger and hate in Faith’s eyes and it’s then Buffy realises that she doesn’t want to spend her last day with Faith like this, she doesn’t want her last memory of Faith being one in which Faith is mad at her, that’s what she started this to escape. As she’s been considering this Faith has lunged at her and the next thing Buffy knows is that she’s kissing Faith hungrily up against a wall and even better Faith is kissing her back.

Sometimes Adele worries that Claire will chose to wipe herself and start over, become someone else, her original self maybe, or not, maybe someone nice and normal and shinny, not at all dark twisted and broken like she is now, not even slightly cracked around the edges like she was in the beginning, Adele worries one day she’ll wake up and Claire will have turned into something so separate from this life, so good, so pure, she’ll wake up and Claire will be the person she deserves to be, the opposite of Adele and therefore want nothing to do with her, and ever worse Adele fears she won’t be able to change her back. Claire will have her scars fixed because she won’t be afraid anymore, she’ll leave the Dollhouse and walk into the sun, into the world, never looking or coming back and Adele will be left all alone.

gossip girl. nate/vanessa. it's meant to be set a few years after high school, dan, serena, blair, chuck, nate and vanessa are all kind of friends and get together every couple of months to catch up.

“Do you ever think about before?”

“Before?” she repeats and then she's all wide smiles, fake laughs and dull un-sparkling eyes.

“Who’s got the time?” She says. He doesn’t know if she’s asking or answering, but it doesn’t really matter.

Nate can play the next scene perfectly, to be fair he’s had a lot of practice. Vanessa’s got to go and as soon as she can think of a better excuse than the last three she’s given she will. She finishes her drink but not the conversation and then the words tumble past her lips, ‘i’ve got to go’ she’s quick to say her goodbyes. Dan hugs her and asks if she’s sure, she lies and says she wishes she could stay, Chuck just gives her short wave, never one for pleasantries, Blair and Serena do the usual, beg to her stay, make plans for next week and kiss her cheek goodbye, Nate just watches them all and watches her go.

A few minutes later it’s like she was never there at all.

Wave Goodbye - Steadman! good song and guy!

because i feel like i'm falling but they tell me i'm flying. am i flying or falling and when will it stop?
sorry just random thoughts!
i want a grilled cheese sandwhich and hundreds of dollars worth of pants.
i don;'t need any shirt. k well i totally do but i'm hot and i have bras jeezzz!
lol!
no one gets that but Cass!
and u hands out of your pants perv!
again no one but Cass and Rella and Emma get that.
anyway the first one is just when me and Cass were mucking around and i was looking for my clothes so we could go shopping and Cass' step brother Mark was walking past and saw me and my jeans and bra. (he's a little rat and a totally creep)
and he goes aren't u gunna put on a shirt? not that i mind. so me and cass beat him to death. literally... k not really Pete might not like that (Cass step dad who's heaps cool btw!)
but anyway then i went back into Cass' room and i was all like:
heyi'm hot enough to get away with not wearing a shirt!'
Cass laughed at me... at me or with me?... hmmmmmmmmm good question!
and agreed!

the second was when me Cass Rella and Emma were at the movies don't remember what we were seeing but the movie was over and we were getting up but Emma's jumper got stuck and when she pulled it up and her shirt rode up and we went to help her out and then i saw this guy in the back (alone might i add) starring at us so nudged Rella (who's a complete badass way ore than me) who looked and said.
"hey you, guy in back get your hands out of your damn pants perv."

so yeah... music you ask?
why yes my lovlies!
and here it is....

beacase hey there deliah what's it like in new york city you're a thousand miles away but tonight you look so pretty

-plain white tees - hey there deliah!

that's all for now folks!

famous last words:

Pain is inevitable suffering is optional!
son't chose to suffer it only makes it more painful!

Liza!

All For You - Sister Hazel!

another great song!
where am i?
good question: i'm on my break, i work at a childcare centre part time and i'm in the office on my break.
not quuite sure what to say now!

i just got bored and thought i'd post!
i keep hearing this song on the radio but never know the name who it's by.
i absolutely love music! my mum likes some stuff, my brother too! i love music the most but!
since i have my own car i'm mostly alone when i hear it. if i'm with cass she'll love the song too but won't know the name or artist either. she looks to me for new music sometimes but she knows what she likes and what she doesn't.
she's great! she knows how i am about music!
i can recite lyrics after hearing the song once, i hum tunes when i get told to shut up and i always have lyrics to songs or the tunes to them going round in my head.
music i'm listening to right now?
Meant To Live - Switchfoot!
good song, good band to!

maybe next time i'm on it'll be longer but i've finished my skittles (best thing ever) and my cupcake (i love them!) and the song is almost over!
also my boss Karen needs to use her office, my break's over and i'm skulling the last of my lemoade (i never once said i was healthy... i'm not!)
also i need to make sure no one eats glue or paint or swallows a marble!
honestly.
then i have to head a story to the kids and make sure they have a nap before they get picked up!

later everyone!

the last lines to Meant To Live:

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live 


famous last words:

Today Is The Tomorrow We Worried About Yesterday!

until next time!

Liza!
xxxx-oooo-xxxx